Mosquito Page 24
Or “pure” Americans, either, she add when she be telling me about they ain’t no pure Spaniards, I guess on account of them Moors in Spain. She say racial purity a myth or some shit. You’re from the South, she says. You oughta know that racial purity’s a myth.
I’m from the South, but I ain’t from the Deep South, I says.
I been in Kentucky, she say. I was in this town in Kentucky. I thought these people in it were white, and they were telling me they were black. It was like being inside somebody’s fantasy. That’s when I knew for sure that racial purity’s a myth. And then they thought I was jiving them when I said I’m a Mexican, you know. If I was jiving them, then they was jiving me.
She take some of that spritzer that they spritzes the drinks with and spritzes her hair and then rub her hands through her hair again. Then she spritzes her rainbow drink. She wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans under that peacock skirt—’cause that peacock skirt fan out, you know, and you can wear it over things underneath. She got her a locker in the back room of this restaurant-cantina. She always keep her a change of outfit in that locker ’cause sometimes she be spilling drinks and shit. And sometimes she say she get sweaty and funky and want to change her clothes. And then sometimes she go to her classes at the Community Center straight from work and be wanting to change her clothes. She ain’t no wild woman mixing them drinks like them boys in that bartender movie, though. I mean, she don’t put on a show for the folks mixing them drinks. We both of us likes to shop in them consignment shops and surplus stores, though. She always spritzing her hair and face, ’cause she say it get hot and steamy behind that bar. And the heat and steam from the restaurant also come into the bar. And you can be smelling all that good Mexican food in the cantina, and some of the vatos that prefers the cantina, they go in the restaurant, but then bring their food back to the cantina, though Mr. Delgado prefers them to eat in the restaurant section, but there’s too many gringos and tourists and shit in the restaurant section for a lot of them vatos. You wonder why she be wearing that peacock skirt over them blue jeans, though, when it so hot and steamy in that bar.
She go wait on another table, then come back and start scribbling again. Like I said, she taking one of them creative writing classes at a Community Center and say her teacher want her to keep that notebook. They always having classes at that local community center and Delgadina say she want to improve her mind. Or maybe she just signifying for me to take some of them classes so’s I can improve my mind. She don’t tell me I need to be more ambitious, though, just signifies. They have this documentary on the TV too about the difference between men’s language and women’s language. They be saying that men’s language commands or some shit while women’s language suggests. Even little boys in they play they be bossing people around and telling them what to do, while little girls in they play they be suggesting and insinuating and signifying. They say them little girls start playing with them little boys they don’t play with them long on account of that boys’ language. Course they’s bossy little girls too, but that supposed to be mostly boys’ language. Maybe that’s why women men don’t consider wimps they considers bitches.
That Delgadina she overhear something and start to scribble, then she serve somebody else a drink and then come back and scribble. Some of the scribbling in English, some of it in Spanish. She say she let me read it again, before she turn it into the class. Scribbling in that notebook. . . . She got a corn raised on top of one of her finger where she scribble so much. I never seen a corn on anybody’s finger before. She got one of them corn pads on her finger. From all that scribbling in that notebook. Say the teacher read them a little bit of Chekhov’s notebook and Henry James’ notebook and Goethe’s notebook—I think that Goethe got a notebook—but say they shouldn’t try to imitate Chekhov or James or Goethe, ’cause this the New World and the modern world. Delgadina try to get me to come to that class, but I don’t. I do buy me a notebook, though, like I said, but I buy me a little notebook not one of them big notebook like Delgadina. And I don’t write no conversations in my notebook, I writes words like muliebrity. And sometimes I drives Delgadina to that class, but then I waits in the truck. I never did like no classroom. That’s why I like that truck driving school, ’cause they don’t teach truck driving in no classroom and they got them dual-control trucks. Delgadina say that they’s all adults in her class, so sometimes they meets in a bar.
Least we used to, she says, but now the teacher is teetotaling, you know, so we meet in the classroom. Detective school, though, that’s more practical. I told my writing teacher I was thinking ’bout detective school and showed her that brochure you give me on detective school, you know, the Cosmic Private Detective Agency School, so she says, why don’t I combine the two things. She says I can go to detective school and still write stories. I think she even said that she knows the man that owns that school and he’s supposed to be really brilliant. Says that if I’m going to become a detective Mr. Cosmic Bigbee is the best detective to learn from. Says she even knows the man who taught him detectiving, a private investigator, Mr. Jo Jo Cushoff of New York, I think she said. Their original name, she said was “of Kush” but when they come to America, they became Cushoff. I could go to New York and learn from the master himself, but she says that Mr. Cosmic Bigbee is a brilliant man himself. She’s a really good teacher, you know, I mean my teacher, and it seems like every time I mention somebody she knows them. I don’t remember any good teachers like that in high school. Least not my high school. Just a bunch of agringadas. Gringas and agringadas.
Agringadas?
That’s Mexicans or Chicanos that the people think are more gringo than the gringos.
I guess for the gringos and gringas they’s good teachers, but not for Chicanos and Chicanas. Least not my high school. This teacher she always be calling me Jim-énez and my name ain’t Jim-énez it’s Rodriguez.
I thought your name Juárez.
That’s my ex-husband’s name. I keep that name, because it’s more me than my own name. But my maiden name’s Rodriguez. And I correct her and she still look at me like Jim-énez and Rodriguez the same thing. You know, like that play we saw where this woman call herself Jim-énez. And she’s supposed to be my advisor and shit and keeps calling me Jim-énez. And then I correct her and she be calling me Rodriguez for a while and then she start calling me Jim-énez. I think every Chicana’s Jim-énez to her. She’s supposed to be a regular lush, though. I mean the Community Center teacher. She’s teetotaling now, though. Maybe detective stories, you know. You know, she thinks I could go to detective school and then write detective stories. She’s kinda impressed with my writing, you know, and thinks I might be able to write good detective stories. In fact, she wanted to see my brochure and jotted down the numbers and shit.
A she? I dip a tortilla chip in some of that mandarin salsa.
Yeah, why?
I just imagined a he. And I seen you walking outta the Community Center with a he once. A Mexican, I mean, a Chicano. Thought that was the teacher.
Uh, er, naw, we all adults in that class. You probably seen one of my classmates. There’re several Chicanos in that class, but I’m the only Chicana. Sometimes she has us work on projects together, so maybe we were discussing a class project. You know, when I first went in the class, she had us like all sitting in this circle, you know. Like, nobody knew who the teacher was. Like, we was all waiting for the teacher to come in. Like, talking shit, you know, how you talk shit when the teacher’s not in the classroom, and then time for the class to start, she like just starts talking, introducing herself and shit, like everybody like thought she was just a member of the class. And there we were just talking shit, you know. And then there we were looking like fools when she up and starts talking and we realize she’s the teacher. I think she just does that, you know, so’s she can hear the sorta shit people talk. But still that’s a good idea, you know, go to detective school and just have the detective shit enhance the writing, you know. I think
she like intends to do that her ownself. Go to detective school, I mean.
Yeah, I says, and plunges my hand in the bowl for some more pretzels. That’s a good idea. Detective school. You’d probably make a good detective.
Then I’d be advertising in the Yellow Pages and shit. I don’t think that the Cosmic Private Detective Agency School advertises in the Yellow Pages, though they’s on the Internet, at least according to this brochure.
THE
Cosmic Private Detective Agency
SCHOOL
The Cosmic Private Detective Agency School is based in Texas City, Texas. It is a private Private Detective Agency School serving the South Texas area. The owner, Mr. Cosmic Bigbee, is a Harvard graduate in Mathematics and Computer Sciences and the former student of the famous New York Detective Jo Jo Cushoff (or Kushof). Mr. Bigbee has had many years of investigative experience in not only the South Texas area but worldwide. He has both national and international contacts and his students are employed nationally and internationally as private detectives. Unlike other detective schools, the Cosmic Detective Agency School teaches via independent conferences and is considered the most outstanding and professional Private Detective Agency School in the South Texas area.
Although some consider Mr. Cosmic Bigbee merely a “computer detective” because of his use of computer, database and electronic resources, he is more than the conventional “computer detective.” At his school, you learn all of the ways of obtaining the information you need about anyone at any time. At the Cosmic Private Detective School you learn conventional and unconventional national and international techniques of surveillance, including aerial and surface surveillance, background investigations, corporate investigations, countersurveillance and counterstalking techniques, document searches, acquisition of documents, electronic debugging techniques, electronic searches, national and international databases, photographic and video surveillance techniques, credentials verification, industrial espionage (consultation & prevention), witness location as well as other modern and avant-garde private investigative techniques not listed here for security purposes.
Although a private Private Detective Agency School, the Cosmic Private Detective Agency School has a network of affiliates worldwide, all expert investigators. All initial consultations with Mr. Bigbee are free. Once you have graduated from the Cosmic School and are certified by Mr. Bigbee, you can be sure that you are one of the best private investigators in the world.
Note: Although certified by Mr. Bigbee, all certified agents must earn their clients’ trust.
State of Texas License Number PI 46444
All students are taught on a confidential and personal basis. There are no classrooms at the COSMIC PRIVATE DETECTIVE AGENCY SCHOOL. Mr. Bigbee teaches via independent conferences only.
You may now apply to the COSMIC PRIVATE DETECTIVE AGENCY SCHOOL on the Internet.
Cosmic Bigbee
Cosmic Private Detective Agency School
The U.S. Intelligent Community (This is not the CIA or FBI)
Private Detectives for Hire
PO Box 444
Texas City, Texas 77590
(800) 236-CPDA
E-mail: Cosmic@bigbee.com
Cosmic Bigbee is president of the N.W.A. (New World African) South Texas Association of Private and Protective Agents.
References
Jo Jo Cushoff Detective Agency (New York)
Detective Book Publications
N.W.A. Legal Investigations Association
N.W.A. Legislative Committee
N.W.A. PI Licensing Board
N.W.A. Private Couriers Association
N.W.A. Private Investigators Institute
N.W.A. Security Auditors Association
N.W.A. Unconventional Investigations Network
Consultation
Cosmic Bigbee is available for free initial consultation. All consultation is confidential.
Fees for the detective school are available on request.
Say what? I try some of that tropical fruit salsa. This tropical fruit salsa is good. I didn’t know people made salsa with bananas and, you know, tropical fruit.
I was looking through the Yellow Pages to see how detectives advertise. I mean those that are not just advertising a school but advertising themselves as private investigators, you know. Most of them are men’s names, though, and I didn’t see any women’s names. They musta got women detectives. I know they got women detectives, they must got women private detectives, I mean. I did see a few Hispanic names, though. Maybe I won’t even call myself a detective, maybe I’ll call myself an investigative consultant or some shit. Delgadina Rodriguez, Investigative Consultant. Mr. Bigbee is a consultant. Seems like if his is such a certified school, though, that he would be in the Yellow Pages. But if my teacher says she knows him that’s certification enough for me. Or be like that broad on television, that Jessica Fletcher. Wouldn’t it be neat, though, if Rita Moreno played her a modern female private detective role like that, you know. Kicking ass. And she’d have womenfriends, though. You’s the first person I heard say womenfriends instead of girlfriends. ’Cept I heard somebody say womenfriends on television, so a lot of people must be start saying womenfriends now, though you’re the first person I heard to say womenfriends. I know you got it from them friends of yours in California, but you’s still the first person I heard to say something about womenfriends. And we can say manfriends too. We don’t just have to say boyfriend, we don’t just have to say somebody is our boyfriend. If we say womenfriends or womanfriend then we can say menfriends or manfriend. Maybe if we start saying womenfriends and menfriends we’d be more men and women amongst us. Let the little boys and girls say boyfriends and girlfriends, ’cause we’s men and women, ain’t we? But I’d rather like to see her using her mind instead of just kicking ass, I mean, Rita Moreno, you know. I’d rather like her being one of them detectives that uses intellect and reasoning. If I wrote a detective story about a Chicana detective that’s how I’d write it, have her using intellect and reasoning, but I don’t think the people be wanting that kinda Chicana detective, though, ’cause they be thinking she ain’t a real Chicana, you know, even Chicanos be saying a Chicana ain’t supposed to use intellect and reasoning. I mean, she can still use her intuition, ’cause all detectives use their intuition, but I want her to use her intellect and reasoning too. Yeah, I’m thinking about detective school. I want to have my free initial confidential consultation with Mr. Cosmic Bigbee about his detective school, but I want to learn more about detectiving myself first. I want to learn about detectiving before I go to detective school.
I know some of those other schools, at least in the Yellow Pages, start you off, though, doing background profiles and skip tracing, then you can specialize in domestic or civil or criminal shit, then there’s a lot of detectives these days that just uses computers, you know. All they do is just sit behind a computer and get all their detective work done, depending on what you specialize in. The other detective schools, though, have classrooms and I have enough classrooms at the Community Center, so I’d kinda like to attend a private detective school that is taught in independent conferences. Miguelita says she knows a detective like that that just uses computers and shit. It ain’t like Raymond Chandler and shit. I asked her whether she knows Cosmic Bigbee, but she says she don’t. Then you gotta learn all about these miniature cameras and listening devices and for a bonus for signing up for the class, they give you one of these tape-recorder pen sets. It looks like an ordinary pen, you know, but it’s really a tape recorder and shit. With the new technology and shit. . . .
She goes to take a order, then come back and uncap a Bud and a clean glass, then returns. That peacock skirt of hers is riding up like the tail of a peacock. Women wear the peacock skirts but it’s the male peacock got all them pretty wings. Yeah, I’m thinking that Rita Moreno would make a good detective. Last movie I seen her in, though, she were in one of them movies where the hero or the villa
in comes into this sleepy Mexican village and that Rita Moreno she a songstress or something in this saloon, and she got them flashing eyes. The stereotype señorita, probably a puta. Or if she ain’t a puta, you supposed to think puta.
But I think you oughta take this writing class. Mosquito, ’cause we like keep these notebooks, you know, then she has us like writing and rewriting one story, not a whole string of stories. I thought we’d be writing a whole string of stories, you know. But she like believes in revision, so we like write and rewrite one story and keep these notebooks and shit. But she’s like got this thing for revision. She says like writing is mostly revision. Re-vision. Get it? Sometimes she talks this metaphysical shit.
What’s metaphysical?
You know what metaphysical is.
Naw I don’t.
Sure you do.
Naw I don’t. What does it mean?
You might not know what metaphysical mean, but you know what it is.
She serve another drink, talk a little bit to one of them vato who making a play for her, and then come back to the bar. You know, all that real abstract shit. You know that ontology- and cosmology-type shit. Whatever is beyond physics, that’s supposed to be metaphysics. Ta meta ta physica or some shit. . . . You know, Aristotle and all that shit. I mean, it’s this ordinary shit, and then it starts sounding metaphysical and shit. But mostly she gives you a lotta concrete tips you can use to write stories. It’s a real interesting class. Of course, it was more interesting when she wasn’t teetotaling and shit. You know, she comes into class kind of tipsy it’s a more interesting class. Everybody in the class says the class is more interesting when she’s tipsy. And she ain’t as metaphysical when she’s teetotaling. And she pegged me for a bartender right off. I don’t know how she did, but she did. I guess if you a lush you know bartenders. Or maybe she’s even been in this cantina. Or probably ’cause Budweiser is my perfume.